Keeper Fantasizes a Life

We all fantasize about something. As a child, I fantasized about being locked in a toy store overnight.  As a young woman, I had dreams of meeting the perfect guy. Today, I fantasize that someone will invent a pill that makes you lose weight AND grow hair.

My husband lives full-time in his own fantasies, and they may surprise you.

Keeper Fantasizes a Life

My husband has a very active fantasy life.  Now, before you start thinking this must make for some very interesting boudoir action, let me just say …

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Stop the Musical Torture!

Most of us have never experienced the kind of torture John McCain endured as a POW.  That doesn’t mean we’re not subjected to deliberately induced stress every day.  Today’s column is about the musical torture we undergo at restaurants.

Stop the Musical Torture!

I used to think that complaining about the noise in a restaurant was such an old-person thing. Now that I qualify for the Senior Specials when we dine out…

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A Day for Moms and Cops

This week’s column is FREE for everyone who is a mother, has a mother, or knows a mother.  If you have forgotten to send a Mother’s Day gift, it’s not too late!  Forward this column to the mother of your choice and then buy her a one-year subscription for the low, low price of $26.  Easy Peasy!

A Day for Moms and Cops

© 2009 by Mary Hanna

Chances are, you won’t forget Mother’s Day on Sunday.  Even if you were in a complete media blackout all week and you missed the commercials, the ads and the special sales, your own mother is bound to remind you.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Jason and Tom, if you are reading this, Sunday would be a good day to call and check to see if I’m still alive.  No flowers or cards necessary–just a 3-minute call to give me an update on your lives.  I’m tired of…(Read more)

Regrow, Recycle, Reuse

Sure, you recycle paper and plastic, but do you save your hair clippings and reuse them?

This lady does! Read the column:

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Enough With the Questions!

Never let it be said that the Internal Revenue Service doesn’t have a sense of humor.  Sure, the Tax Code is an instrument of torture, but IRS also has a page on their web site featuring funny quotes about taxes.  Here are a few:

“Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.” – Will Rogers

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.” – unknown

“Taxes are what we pay for civilized society.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Okay, so that last one is not so much funny as self-serving, but it beats the hell out of reading Publication 561, Determining the Value of Donated Property.

This week’s column recounts Tax Prep Day in the Hanna household (April 14, of course).

Here’s a taste:

Enough with the questions!

You’ve heard that the old saying, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes.”  In my…(Read more)

Ram the Wrestler vs. Snuggles the Kitten

Some people believe we are what we eat. If that’s true, I’m a taco salad with a side of tortilla chips. But surely we’re also what we see, what we hear, and what we think about all day.

I believe what we witness has a cumulative effect on our psyches, just as excess calories accumulate on our thighs. I plead guilty to putting too many carbohydrates into my body, but I’m really careful about what I put into my head. 

I won’t watch TV shows with violence. At least, I don’t watch them with my eyes open. If there is unexpected bloodshed or cruelty, I close my eyes and cover my ears. Sometimes I jump ship and go do the laundry or scrub the toilet. Either task is preferable to poisoning my mind with the ugliness of man’s inhumanity to man.

I sound like a priss, don’t I? Listen, I’m not some hothouse…(Read more)

Plumbing the Depths With Your Mouse

Want to feel miniscule? Go look at the new Google Earth. In addition to taking pictures of every house on your block, the Googlers have been busy mapping the oceans. 

Go ahead. Download Google Earth, put your curser on the virtual globe and give it a good spin. The earth is, indeed, a Big Blue Marble. We are but tiny specks huddled on land masses that stick out of vast oceans throbbing with marine life. Giant kelp forests dwarf our massive redwoods and fantastic creatures that not even Jules Verne could imagine roam the depths. 

Now zoom in on the Atlantic Ocean until all you see is waves, and drag your mouse along the endless stretch of blue. It’s disorienting, no? This must be how Columbus felt after months at sea with no sign of land.

The ocean and I don’t have the best relationship. On one trip to the Delaware Shore, the…(Read more)

Can You Take a Compliment?

I am a compliment-giver. Sure, it’s probably because I am a bottomless pit of people-pleasing insecurity, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sincere.

In case you missed it, January 24 was National Compliment Day, when we were supposed to compliment a minimum of five people. If you live with fewer than five people, this required you to leave the house, as talking to people on TV (“Nice jacket, Oprah!”) does not count.

It’s not too soon to prepare for next year. Lets go over the rules for complimenting. Listen up.

Be sincere. If you are faking it, it comes out in your voice. No one appreciates a fake compliment. Sarcasm is not appropriate when complimenting someone.

If you can’t be sincere, be enthusiastic. An animated “You got your hair cut!” will suffice if your friend is sporting a hideous new ‘do that begs to be noticed.

Don’t overdo it. A good compliment stands alone. If…(Read more)

Things that are funny

Let’s face it, it’s difficult to maintain one’s sense of humor these days. Sometimes we have to dig deep to find merriment. Or perhaps we just need to open our eyes.

A week of heightened observation revealed the following things I just had to laugh at.

There is a sign on the door of the post office. It says that dogs are not allowed except for service dogs. The sign is two feet off the ground where the dogs can see it.

With my quarterly retirement account statement came some helpful information under the heading “Invest Smart for your retirement!” They offer a publication called “Reaching Your Dreams.” Here’s MY dream: to not have another year where they lose $70,000 of my money.

Last week, Keeper opened the refrigerator door, took out a bottle of tomato juice and shook it. The cap flew off, spewing red pulpy stuff all over the kitchen. It looked…(Read more)

Long Distance Mothering

This week I got to be a mother. Oh, I’ve officially been a mother since 1975, but lately, with the boys well-established in their own lives, there hasn’t been much call for my mothering skills.

Wait a second, you’re saying. What about all that baby talk that goes on in your house?

I’ll admit it, I channel my nurturing instincts into caring for Corky the French Bulldog and Mr. Bobo the Wonder Cat. Corky is always ready to cuddle and is ready with a quick lick on the nose. Mr. Bobo has been known to be affectionate on occasion, but only if he is allowed to pick the time, place, and method of expression. Don’t touch the belly, thank you very much.

This week, though, I got a call from my younger son Tom, who lives with his fiance Clare in Indiana. Like the majority of us, he is experiencing hard financial…(Read more)