January 2, 2008

"Truth" May be a Myth

As we get older, it's important to remain open to learning new things and even un-learning old things. This year I found out that everything I thought I knew was wrong.

For instance, I always thought, as you probably did, that the average temperature of the human body is 98.6 degrees. It turns out that the 19th century German doctor who measured the temperatures of 25,000 people with his new-fangled mercury thermometer had calibrated it wrong, making all of his readings false. The average temperature is actually 98.1.

I thought I knew what the worst pain is. It's gotta be childbirth-right, ladies? Although few of them have ever experienced it, men always claim the worst possible pain that can be endured is a kick in the groin. Apparently it is funny when it happens to the other guy, judging by the number of times the groin attack appears in home video clips and blockbuster movies. You don't see women chuckling during childbirth scenes, do you? ("Ha! Look at her trying to push out that 10-pound baby. Wow-that's gotta hurt!")

I'm here to tell you that the worst pain that most of us will have to suffer is not childbirth OR a kick in the privates. It's Wallpaper Removal Syndrome. This condition includes aching arms, sore back, chapped fingers and extreme mental anguish brought on by the certainty that the project will never be finished. Fortunately, it is not fatal, and like childbirth, the memory of the pain diminishes as one admires the result of the effort.

I always believed that hair and fingernails continue to grow after death, which is really creepy. Now I find out the truth is that the skin and soft tissues shrink, causing the optical illusion that hair and nails are longer. The truth has a definite "yuck" factor but it's not as disturbing as the myth.

Recent medical studies reveal a bit of truth that is disappointing. We've always been told that we only use 10 percent of our brain. I found this a wondrous idea-that there was so much untapped potential and mystery right there in our own heads. Now scientists tell us that this is a myth, that there are no areas of our brain just waiting to be awakened. Every single part of a healthy brain is working away, processing chemicals or whatever it is supposed to be doing, which is not to say that we don't have brain capacity we haven't explored yet.

Occasionally, my underutilized brain potential is pointed out by readers. For instance, one East Bay reader is boycotting my column because of my expressed belief that President Bush is wrong-headed. He didn't offer a rebuttal, however, so I'm sticking to my version of the truth.

Similarly, I thought my idea (subsequently stolen by an entrepreneur) to rent out dogs by the day was a winner. Playing with strangers for kibble beats living in a shelter, I thought. However, Mr. RF of Sunol tells me that dogs are continually stressed unless they are allowed to bond, slowly, with the same person. According to RF, "You embarrass yourself when you write about something you know little about."

My dear sir, if I were embarrassed to have an uninformed opinion, I'd be out of a job.