December 26, 2007

Recycling Christmas Stories

Columnists find themselves tapped out this time of year. For one thing, we're busy buying gifts for people who will return or re-gift them, just like you are. After a day at the mall, there's nothing we would like better than to indulge in that extra glass of eggnog that is the main cause of overly sentimental messages included in Christmas cards ("Aunt Flo-how we wish you were here in person to tell us about your gall bladder operation!")

Alas, those of us on deadline this Christmas must keep our wits about us and try to come up with something relevant that hasn't been written before. It ain't easy. The old chestnuts have already been roasted by this time. Consider the following topics that have run in this and other papers in recent days:

"Yes, Virgina, There is a Santa Claus" columns abound, as if the 1897 original by Francis P. Church wasn't utterly perfect. If I wanted to update a classic, I'd re-write the lyrics to "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," which have a lot of room for improvement. You don't mess with well-loved traditions. I mean, would a director dare to re-make "It's a Wonderful Life?"

Speaking of "Wonderful Life," there is always a column containing fun facts about the movie, such as the detail that Jean Arthur, not Donna Reed, was director Frank Capra's first choice to play Mary. This movie has been studied, analyzed, and interpreted more than any work since the Bible.

Speaking of oft-repeated stories, the annual one that updates the cost of the goodies "my true gave to me" is getting pretty long in the tooth. Does anybody really plan to order ten lords-a-leaping for his significant other? Then why do we care how much it would cost? Tell me where to get a Wii. Now THAT would be useful.

And speaking of toys, there is always a list of the 10 hottest toys published just in time to buy them and put them under the tree. I always wonder what kind of parents need this list. Do they not notice their kids jumping up and down and shrieking "I want that! I want that! I want that!" whenever a commercial for the Transformers Ultimate Bumblebee comes on? If there are children too shy to say what they want for Christmas, I'd like to meet them. Seriously, introduce me. I want to see these children that Greed forgot.

I won't be writing any of these columns. Nor will I write about how commercial Christmas has become. That train has left the station.

Besides, by the time you read this, you'll be knee deep in wrapping paper and Transformer parts. You won't want to hear another word about shopping, decorating, or cooking.

But brace yourself-the columns about New Year's Resolutions are just around the corner.