August 8, 2007

Bushy-Tailed Bandits

For cute and fuzzy, it's hard to beat squirrels. They may not be as smart as rats, but they are a heck of a lot more photogenic. Although squirrels are also rodents, their cute antics and fluffy tails allow them get away with all manner of sins that would merit a call to Terminix if they resembled their cousin the sewer rat.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that squirrels have the same publicist as Nicole Richie, who despite her history of drunken behavior which earned her a jail sentence, did an interview with Diane Sawyer designed to revamp her reputation into a model mother-to-be whose only concerns are the health of her child and the respect of her fans.

I submit for your consideration a recent news story about a shoplifting squirrel. The thieving rodent sneaks into a Helsinki grocery store twice a day and steals a piece of candy known as a "Kinder Surprise." This goodie has a chocolate shell and a toy inside. The squirrel unwraps the candy, eats the chocolate, and runs away with the toy. The storeowner could call the police and have the little bandit carted off and locked up, but her only complaint is that the squirrel leaves the wrappers behind. The media ate up the chocoholic squirrel angle.

I could tell you squirrel stories that would curl your hair. The furry vandals once ate the siding right off my sister's house. Despite the fact that they were surrounded by walnut trees, tasty wildflowers, and an always-full bowl of dog food, they seemed to prefer the taste of rough-sawn cedar. I understand the squirrels' innate need to chew on stuff--after all, they ARE rodents-but with 10 acres of trees on the lot, they had their pick of wood textures and flavors. To chew on the house, they had to take a flying leap onto the roof and shimmy down the downspouts. They seemed to relish the challenge.

I have a love/hate relationship with squirrels. I do find them quite amusing. The tail-twitching is charming. Their spats over the choicest nuts are high comedy. Keeper and I have spent many a delightful afternoon watching the circus outside our French doors. The word is out to the greater squirrel community that the Hannas have a walnut tree and they keep their cat inside. The tree grows up through our deck on the back of the house, and it is heavy with nuts by the end of July. The branches form a jungle gym and the railing is a squirrel highway through most of the summer.

I get a kick out of the squirrels feasting on the walnuts. This is how nature is supposed to work. Food is provided and animals are nourished. It's a beautiful thing.

But I have the same complaint as the owner of the Helsinki grocery store: the darn critters don't clean up after themselves. Our squirrels take two bites out of a nut and toss the rest on the deck, where the remains quickly form a crunchy carpet of sharp shells. Keeping the deck fit for humans would require thoroughly sweeping the deck four or five times a day during squirrel season.

Keeper jokes that they gorge themselves and don't even say thank you. I'm willing to forgive the ingratitude and even the littering, if only they would stop bombing me with nuts while I'm sweeping. I'm even prepared to bribe them with chocolate.