June 1, 2007

Shake it up, baby

Ever since white collar work was invented, man has been searching for an easy way to stay fit while sitting. I use the term "man" rather than "woman" because women have always known how to stay fit. After nine hours at work, a woman will take off her white collar, put on her sweatpants and spend the next four hours exercising. She will lift 17-pound laundry baskets and grocery bags, sprint after the kids and the dog, and do squats and stretches picking up their toys off the floor. Then there are women who will pay someone else to do this while they go to the gym, but that's another column.

Meanwhile, men who like to encourage sweatiness are busy inventing machines that will help us exercise artificially. One recent invention is a platform that "vibrates 20 to 50 times a second in three directions" according to an Associated Press story. The manufacturer claims the equipment not only increases the efficiency of any exercise routine performed while standing on it, but it also reduces pain and stress and builds muscle. This thing has drawn the interest of NASA, which is thinking it might work to reduce the muscle atrophy that occurs during long space flights.

Because this technology is new, there are no studies on the effects of being shaken like a tambourine at a Grateful Dead concert. For starters, the term "Shaken Baby Syndrome" comes to mind.

Now call me silly, but I'm not about to buy something that weighs up to 500 pounds and costs up to $10,000 just to shake myself up. I mean, we live in California for heaven's sake. The ground is shaking constantly. Plus, if you want a vibrating platform, just throw a bunch of wet towels and a pair of tennis shoes in the dryer and have a seat. You can reduce stress and get the laundry done at the same time, as women have known for years. This is called multitasking.

Speaking of multitasking, scientists at the Mayo Clinic have invented a way to get your exercise while doing paperwork: the Treadmill Desk. They took a standard treadmill and built a vertical desk over it so that workers could walk while they typed on the computer. Researchers reported in the British Journal of Sports Medicine that if a out-of-shape office worker "used the machine all day, every day for a year" they could lose up to 66 pounds.

All this is theoretical, of course, as no actual weight-loss tests have been done, nor have people been lining up to be strapped to a treadmill for a year. I mean, I quit my job to get OFF the treadmill. The next time I get on a treadmill, I want to be listening to Five for Fighting on my iPod, not participating in a conference call on a speaker phone, hoping the caller from the East Coast can't hear me panting.

I appreciate your efforts to integrate exercise into our daily lives, all you inventors out there. Mr. Bobo the Wonder Cat and I would like to suggest a new direction: a device that would reduce fat and increase muscle tone while we nap on the couch. Oh, and no sweating, please.