May 18, 2007

Bikini Nation

There's a place in Oregon where you can pull up to the drive-in window and get an eyeful. No, it's not a drive-in peep show (has Las Vegas thought of this?). It's a place called Coffee Nation. When the city built a median that prevented customers from making a left turn into the drive-through, the owner decided to give them a reason to make a U-turn. He ordered his employees to wear bikini tops.

A TV news story included interviews with customers who enjoyed the free show with their java. "My wife's OK with this," said one guy, like we're supposed to believe he told her about it, let alone asked permission to ogle.

"I come for the coffee," said another. Yeah, and he reads Playboy for the articles, too.

The coffee pourer, a young blonde in a bright-green bikini, was enthusiastic. When asked by the reporter if she felt exploited by having to wear scanty clothing, she looked puzzled. The only thing that mattered, she said, was that her tip jar, which was right under her chest as she leaned out to hand the coffee to her customers, was filling up faster than ever before.

Maybe it's just sour grapes on my part. Back in my days in the service industry, no one ever gave me a tip to ogle my breasts, even when they were smooth and perky. Now that they're not, well, let's just say that keeping them under wraps is my little gift to polite society.

Some discriminating consumers may ask, "What does showing cleavage have to do with selling coffee?" Listen carefully. Showing cleavage is not a product-specific tactic. If it were, you would only see it in ads for bras, bikinis, and cream that fades stretch marks. Every other use of cleavage in advertising is gratuitous.

Which is not to say that it's not effective. Just ask the Hooters franchisees, who sell a helluva lot more buffalo wings than the recipe warrants. In fact, like the coffee at Bikini, er, Coffee Nation, the menu at Hooters is beside the point. It's the HOOTERS, stupid!

Perhaps someone you know has always wanted to sells food and beverage by displaying her boobs. The Hooters web site has a huge section full of hair and make-up tips for Hooter Girl wannabees. The rules:

DON'T forget to wear blush!

DO use an eyelash curler!

DON'T use a lip liner that is darker than your lipstick!

DO follow the latest eyebrow trends!

It's critical to follow these rules. After all, "Hooters Girls have an appropriate image to maintain."

The look they're going for is "natural" and "wholesome." Kind of a girl next door look, if you happen to live next door to a girl whose dryer consistently shrinks her T-shirts.

Are men so stupid that they'll buy ANYTHING-even an inferior, overpriced product or something they don't need--from a woman who is falling out of her top? Are they struck dumb by the sight of cleavage? Does the sight of a nice pair cause men's wallets to open up and dollar bills to spring forth?

Well, Hooters opened its first restaurant in 1983 and now there are more than 430 franchises worldwide. Coffee Nation, home of the Bikini Barista, is thriving. And the one-stop Boob-a-rama known as the Internet? Making billions. So, yeah…they're that stupid.