Keeper and I Play Doctor

Here’s how Keeper and I started the New Year. While I was still in a fog after a rowdy New Year’s Eve of TV-watching followed by 11 hours of sleep, Keeper wanted me to play Doctor.

This is not as fun as it sounds. If you’re picturing Keeper in a white coat, wagging his eyebrows and asking me to put my feet in the stirrups, think again. Our particular brand of “Doctor” involves Keeper naming a symptom he’s having and asking me if I think he’ll die from it. This is not foreplay, believe me. It is the prelude to 24-48 hours of misery in which Keeper envisions his untimely death from complications of tendinitis, hangnail or bee sting.

“I’m having heel pain,” he whispered in my ear this morning, so as not to wake up the dog. Corky snored blissfully on as I fought to come out of my stupor on…(Read more)

Take Time to Celebrate

You know how I love the holidays—ANY holidays.  No matter how obscure the observance, I want to honor tradition.  If it means taking the day off from work, I’ll make the sacrifice.  (Now that I‘m my own boss, I find it’s easier to explain why I need to stay home for Bulgarian Liberation Day. )

I wouldn’t say I’m making an excuse to slack off; let’s just say I believe EVERY day is a reason to celebrate.  Yeah, I’m a regular party girl.

The key is to plan ahead, especially if you are going to call in sick on a particular holiday.  You’ll need plenty of time to come up with a plausible excuse.

For your convenience, I’ve compiled a list of the major holidays for the next few weeks so you can think about how you want to celebrate.  Suggestions for appropriate observances are included.

Ready, set, mark those calendars!

Take Your Houseplants For…(Read more)

Protocol for Public Nudity

It’s unfortunate that this has to be spelled out, However, I have noticed an increase in people running around naked and acting inappropriately, like the guy who led San Mateo County Sheriff’s Deputies on a high-speed chase last Saturday.

This 38-year-old perp not only harassed people by ringing their doorbells, he also led sheriff’s deputies on a high speed chase, then jumped out of the car and kicked in the door to someone’s house before he was finally subdued.  The cops had to shoot beanbags at him while he was hiding in the bushes.  This crime spree is bad enough.  The capper is that he was naked the whole time.

Now, this gentleman helpfully demonstrated several “don’ts” of nude behavior, i.e., don’t ring people’s doorbells while naked, and don’t try to resist arrest, clothed or unclothed.

Please, if you must be naked outdoors, save it for the anniversary of Woodstock.  And furthermore, let…(Read more)

The Groom (Almost) Wore Shorts

I’m in a minority group, and not just because I’m a straight Caucasian female in San Francisco. I’m one of the few who are blessed with a happy marriage. Having just witnessed my son’s wedding, I have some tips for ready-to-commit couples everywhere. . .

The Groom (Almost) Wore Shorts

There are few pleasures like seeing your son get married to the woman he loves. My son Tom has given me this delightful experience twice. On June 19, in what Samuel Johnson famously described as the triumph of hope over experience, Tom married the beautiful Clare in a simple courthouse ceremony.

Both had learned a painful message from previous marriages and they are ecstatic to find someone with whom to cuddle contentedly on the couch. (Thanks, Yahoo Personals!) . . .

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Airport Etiquette: Keep it Moving

Summer is vacation time for most of us, and our recent jaunt to the Midwest and the East Coast taught me a few lessons about flying that I’m compelled to share. . .

Airport Etiquette 101: Keep It Moving

Air travel doesn’t have to be a nightmare of screaming babies, bad food, and surly gate agents.  If only everyone would follow a few common-sense rules, which I’ve conveniently compiled for you, we could all go about our business with a minimum of fuss. . .

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Softball for Geezers

What a crazy couple of weeks! Keeper and I went to Indiana to attend son Tom’s wedding to the beautiful Clare, then went on to Virginia Beach for the Hanna family reunion. Despite my best intentions, I’m a bit late on this week’s column. On the plus side, I got some great material…

Softball for Geezers

Wish you could still feel like a young athlete despite your over-fifty status? Do what my brother-in-law Rob did: join an over-the-hill softball league. On his team of, uh…”experienced” slow pitch players, he’s a young stud.

Rob is a member of Northern Virginia Senior Softball, or, as his wife Stephanie calls it, the “Old Fart League.”

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Just One More

Would you like to make some easy money?  Sit right down in front of this slot machine and enjoy a free drink…

Just One More

The idea for this column started with one of those made-for-TV movies starring the svelte-and-botoxed version of Delta Burke. Delta plays a wife, mother and director of a nonprofit.  She’s an upstanding citizen until she visits her first casino.  She quickly becomes addicted to the poker machines and ends up…

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Skipping My High School Reunion

Do you dream about attending your high school reunion and blowing everyone away with your wonderfulness? Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

Skipping My High School Reunion

It’s high school reunion time and I’m not going to mine. Sure, I’m curious about what happened to the cheerleaders and the jocks and everyone else who was at the top of the heap, and I harbor a secret hope that they are all living in squalor in a trailer park somewhere.

The reason I’m not going is …

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Taking My Own Advice

I’m a sucker for advice columns.  If I had my own, I’d give out some tough love, I’ll tell you that.  Maybe I should start with myself.  Here’s a taste of this week’s column…

Taking My Own Advice

I get asked a lot of questions, as does anyone whose e-mail address is on the web.  Most of the questions are poorly written inquiries into my sexual prowess, with promises to enhance it with some product or other for a low, low price of only $49.95.  If these hucksters took the time to target their sales pitch, they would know that

middle-aged women do not buy penis-extenders, and

spelling counts, even in a male-enhancement ad.

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It’s Gonna Be One Helluva Party

I do love a good party and next month provides a million reasons to get together and celebrate!  Here’s your personal invitation to THE party of the summer!

It’s Gonna Be One Helluva Party

You are cordially invited to a party in honor of National Bathroom Reading, Perennial Gardening, Soul Food Heritage, Aphasia Awareness, and Turkey Lovers’ Month. . .

Download bogus invitation: