Protocol for Public Nudity

It’s unfortunate that this has to be spelled out, However, I have noticed an increase in people running around naked and acting inappropriately, like the guy who led San Mateo County Sheriff’s Deputies on a high-speed chase last Saturday.

This 38-year-old perp not only harassed people by ringing their doorbells, he also led sheriff’s deputies on a high speed chase, then jumped out of the car and kicked in the door to someone’s house before he was finally subdued.  The cops had to shoot beanbags at him while he was hiding in the bushes.  This crime spree is bad enough.  The capper is that he was naked the whole time.

Now, this gentleman helpfully demonstrated several “don’ts” of nude behavior, i.e., don’t ring people’s doorbells while naked, and don’t try to resist arrest, clothed or unclothed.

Please, if you must be naked outdoors, save it for the anniversary of Woodstock.  And furthermore, let me reiterate so there is no mistake: do not be ringing my chimes with all your parts exposed.

You may be wondering what prompted this tirade against being bare.  It’s simple.  Keeper and I recently joined the Y and I haven’t seen so much flesh on display since I accidentally mistyped a common URL and up popped multiple windows of air-brushed people wearing pouty lips (the women) and sneers (the men) and nothing else.

Now, I realize that in order to shower, one needs to disrobe.  I have been showering for more than 50 years and never once have I gotten my clothes wet while doing it.  (Well, OK, there was that time my college roommate tried to cure my hangover before my 8 a.m. exam)

Anyway, the Y makes accommodations for those of us who are modest. There are three individual showers with curtains.  The process of undressing, showering, and dressing in dry clothes can be done with a minimum of fuss in 12 easy steps that include sticking one arm out to retrieve the shampoo, then the towel, etc.  The poses you learn in yoga class help ensure you won’t fall over while trying to get your pants on without them touching the wet floor.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s a time-honored process that girls like me have practiced since we were first forced into public nudity around 7th grade.

But, kids today?  They have no apparent hang-ups in this department.  The reason I’m always able to get a private shower stall is that the public shower is THE hot spot in the ladies’ locker room

Now, I applaud women who are comfortable enough with their bodies to carry on lengthy conversations with strangers in their birthday suits, but there should still be some rules.  (You saw this coming, didn’t you?)

Rules for the Ladies’ Locker Room

1. Please, wear your towel back to your locker.  Nobody wants to see your wobbly bits quivering while you dry your hair, step on the scale, and discuss child care options with your friend.
2. Please, PLEASE, don’t let your sons run around the ladies’ locker room.  Little Conner is at eye level with my yoohoo and it makes me uncomfortable. Call me a prude. There is a “family” shower available.  Use it.
3. And PLEASE, for God’s sake, don’t let your husband take your little daughter into the men’s locker room for a shower. I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine a scenario where my father would have taken my 5-year-old self into the shower with strange men. Keeper finds this quite disturbing.  Are we hopelessly old-gashioned?
4. Please don’t stop to do an inventory of your moles in the mirror.  Some of us are trying to brush our teeth without making eye contact.
5. Please pardon my seeming rudeness if I don’t talk to you in the locker room.  I’m busy trying to wriggle into my bra while wearing my shirt.

In summary, you do your thing at the gym and I’ll do mine.  I’ll meet you back outside where almost everyone is dressed.