You Can’t Keep a Good Man Down

There’s machismo, and then there’s stupidity.

Keeper Husband is the stoic type, seldom altering his routine for aches and pains. So when he complained of a soreness on his right side, instead of going to the doctor, as I suggested, he went to Coyote Point for firearms training.

As part of his job, he has to be certified on a Glock 40 so that he can protect himself from whatever armed and dangerous person would like to keep from being arrested. He was scheduled for three days of training and he was going to go, no matter what was happening in his gut.

So on the appointed day, he got dressed and drove himself to the firing range, where he stood in the rain and shot live rounds into a target.

At the end of the day, he drove home, limped in the door and collapsed into a chair, groaning with pain. I made him show me where it hurt, and there in his groin area was the unmistakeable lump of a hernia. Still, he refused to stay home.

The next two days were a repeat of the first, except that the groans had turned to screams and he had a permanent grimace.

Only when he had passed his firearms qualifications did he allow me to take him to the doctor. By then, he was in severe pain and we had to go to the emergency room. The ER doc confirmed my amateur diagnosis and suggested we get it fixed as soon as convenient.

A consultation with the surgeon on call led to an office visit the next day and the surgery scheduled for Tuesday, Dec. 23.

Sure, it was two days before Christmas, but why not get it fixed and be done with it?

We arrived at the hospital at the appointed time and he was tested, medicated and prepped.  They said the doctor would come find me in the waiting room when he was finished.

I paced for the next hour and a half, until the surgeon came around the corner and pulled me aside.

Yes, it was a hernia, he said. But there was something unusual, something he had never seen before. Keeper also had an inflamed appendix, which was sticking through the weak spot in his abdominal wall. The doc had to remove the appendix as well as repair the hernia. It was a two-for-one special.

When Keeper woke up in the recovery room, the doctor informed him that he had made the highlight reel of his surgical practice. 

You’d think he’d be thanking his lucky stars that he avoided a burst appendix and all the complications that might entail, but all he cared about were the bragging rights.

This column was written at his direction. Keeper would like everyone to know that he qualified on his weapon while suffering from a hernia AND appendicitis.

What a man.