Best Wishes from my Friend Ed

If it comes in a green envelope with a drawing of a Christmas tree on it, is it a Christmas card? Don’t bet on it.

When we received a card that appeared to be hand addressed to “The Hanna Family” from Ed Begley Jr., I knew that Ed hadn’t personally addressed it. Ed’s a busy guy Besides, they have computers that do that. 

I must admit, my first thought was, “What mailing list did he buy and how do I get off of it?”

You remember Ed, don’t you? He was on “St. Elsewhere” and still does TV work as well as appearing in movies like “Best in Show” — one of my all-time favorites. Mostly, Ed is famous for being a Greenie who rides his bike to awards shows wearing a hemp tuxedo (OK, I made up the tuxedo part). He is, however, about as crunchy granola as you can get.

I was curious about what Ed’s holiday message might be. I guessed it was an expression of hope for our planet or a suggestion about how to recycle Christmas trees and wrapping paper. Maybe a plea for energy conservation or a wish for peace in the new year?

I opened the card, printed by GreenLife Greetings on recycled-content paper, and found…an ad. No greeting, no holiday wish. Just an ad for a gizmo that has saved Ed’s family from the evils of tap water, including the awful taste, the hair damage and the dry skin.

There was a picture of Ed, cuddling up to his five-foot-tall water purifier. The worst part? He was wearing shorts. Like the sight of Ed Begley’s hairy knees is going to make me buy something from him. Maybe I was supposed to notice his smooth skin, thanks to the pure water he bathes in, but I couldn’t get past his shorts and crummy t-shirt. Nobody wants to see that, Ed. If you’re going to hawk a product, at least dress up a little, huh?

It was the first greeting card I’ve ever received that has a no-postage-necessary reply card included. 

It got me thinking about celebrity endorsements, especially ones that are meant to appear personal — you know, like when you get a phone call from Martin Sheen around election time.

Usually the Hollywood pitch starts out like this: “Hi, this is Mona Movie Star, and I know that you’re concerned about the effects of global warming on our planet. I’m calling today to tell you that my friend, Holly Hillside, has all the answers, and when we elect her President, she’s going to save Earth from certain destruction and give each and every one of us a free water purifier with a 60-day guarantee. Your skin will be softer or you’ll get your vote back! Don’t forget to go to the polls next Tuesday!”

Here’s my plea for the holidays, election day, and all the year round: Hollywood, don’t pretend you know me or what I care about. Don’t assume I care about your personal preferences, either. Above all, don’t disguise a product pitch in a greeting card, or in a movie, for that matter. 

Peace.