You Can’t Keep a Good Man Down

There’s machismo, and then there’s stupidity.

Keeper Husband is the stoic type, seldom altering his routine for aches and pains. So when he complained of a soreness on his right side, instead of going to the doctor, as I suggested, he went to Coyote Point for firearms training.

As part of his job, he has to be certified on a Glock 40 so that he can protect himself from whatever armed and dangerous person would like to keep from being arrested. He was scheduled for three days of training and he was going to go, no matter what was happening in his gut.

So on the appointed day, he got dressed and drove himself to the firing range, where he stood in the rain and shot live rounds into a target.

At the end of the day, he drove home, limped in the door and collapsed into a chair, groaning with pain. I made…(Read more)

Best Wishes from my Friend Ed

If it comes in a green envelope with a drawing of a Christmas tree on it, is it a Christmas card? Don’t bet on it.

When we received a card that appeared to be hand addressed to “The Hanna Family” from Ed Begley Jr., I knew that Ed hadn’t personally addressed it. Ed’s a busy guy Besides, they have computers that do that. 

I must admit, my first thought was, “What mailing list did he buy and how do I get off of it?”

You remember Ed, don’t you? He was on “St. Elsewhere” and still does TV work as well as appearing in movies like “Best in Show” — one of my all-time favorites. Mostly, Ed is famous for being a Greenie who rides his bike to awards shows wearing a hemp tuxedo (OK, I made up the tuxedo part). He is, however, about as crunchy granola as you can get.

I was…(Read more)

What would you do?

You come out of Best Buy on a weekday afternoon around 3:00. You’re congratulating yourself on finding just the right speaker for your iPod Nano. You’re humming “Good King Wenceslaus” and making a grocery list in your head. You click open the lock on your car, put your purchase on the passenger seat, and sit behind the wheel.

You pause to find a scrap of paper to write down your grocery list, because the store is all of four blocks away, and you don’t want to forget to buy a jar of pimentos.

As you’re jotting down your list, you notice a white Toyota Corolla next to you. In the back seat is a sleeping child, a little girl who is about two or three. You say “awww” to yourself and look closer. There is no one in the car with her.

You get out of your car and peer into the back…(Read more)

Just Horsing Around

Do little girls still go horse crazy? I don’t mean that “My Little Pony” stuff. Horses are not supposed to be purple and have glitter all over them. You never saw Misty of Chincoteague in a pink feather boa. 

When I was a pre-teen I was crazy for plastic horseflesh. I had a collection of horses of various breeds and temperaments. My favorite was a black stallion, rearing up in a menacing pose. I knew he was a stallion (a male who had been left “intact”) because it said so on the package, not because he was anatomically correct. 

I spent many a happy hour arranging my horses in groups and talking to them. They all had names which were copies of the movie horses I knew and loved–Flicka, Misty, and Black Beauty. 

I could have told you the various characteristics of each breed–their coloring, their size, their native ability to pull a…(Read more)

Bigger, not better

I’ve freely admitted in this column that I’m addicted to home improvement shows. There isn’t a home makeover show I don’t like, except maybe “Deserving Design.” It just seems so cheesy to me. It reminds me of the old “Queen For a Day” show, where the contestant with the most pitiful story wins a new refrigerator. By all means, give someone in need a new kitchen appliance, but don’t exploit her misery for ratings, you know?

Anyway, a show I’ve recently discovered (or Tivo discovered for me) is “House Hunters” and its younger sister, “House Hunters International.” 

On these show, a homeowner is looking for a new house with certain amenities within a price range, and a real estate agent shows them three possibilities to choose from. The options are reviewed endlessly, as if the producers have judged the viewers to be slow learners. The audience is kept in suspense until the…(Read more)

Of Petrified Wood and Husbands

It’s a bittersweet time of year for people who have lost loved ones. The holidays evoke special memories and make the loss seem even more poignant.

For example, December 9 is the anniversary of the founding of the Petrified Forest National Park and it makes me miss my first (or “Starter” husband).

Perhaps I’d better explain.

We were married the day after I graduated from the University of Arizona. Having majored in Anthropology and minored in Philosophy, marriage was my best career option. (Hey, it was 1973–that’s what we did back then). Besides, we were in love.

When the family were on their way back to Indiana (mine) and California (his), we set out in our old Dodge pickup truck for our honeymoon. The truck had a homemade camper in the back and we had supplied it with enough food for three days, including plenty of biscuits for our dog Roach (it was 1973,…(Read more)

My Favorite Things

Oprah has a lot of favorites, doesn’t she? The media darling has favorite books, favorite diets, and favorite experts. She’s a trend-setter, not because she has perfect taste, but because she has an enormous and exceedingly loyal fan base. Her magazine even has a regular feature called “The O List” that chronicles her favorite material objects, the ones her readers want to buy because they are Oprah-approved. 

Well, I don’t claim to be a trendsetter nor do I number my fans in the millions, but that won’t stop me from publishing my own inventory of favorite things. Let’s call it “The M List.” 

First, some criteria. To qualify for my list, a thing has to be beautiful or useful (preferably both), or just plain amusing. Cheap or free is good, too, although I’ll try to avoid Maria von Trapp items like raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens.

For what it’s worth, here…(Read more)