How to Flummox Your Waiter

You know you’re in Chez Fancy Pants when you ask your server for a glass of water and he asks if “still” is OK. I figured he meant “tap water.” I’ve been drinking Hetch Hetchy water for 10 years and am none the worse for wear, so I nodded my consent.

Besides, I was afraid to ask for “moving” water. It would just betray my ignorance of fizzy, sparkling, fruity water, which is just Hetch Hetchy dressed up to go out.

We were at Foreign Cinema, that cool place in the Mission that shows artsy-fartsy films against the back wall to distract the diners form the fact that every oyster they swallow is another $2 on their MasterCard. 

The occasion was a celebration of the fact that my son Jason just became a grown-up: he signed a 30-year mortgage on a new condo a few blocks from Foreign Cinema and light years away…(Read more)

Plays Well With Others

Lets face it. Just like children, pets can be the joy of our lives and the bane of our existence at the same time. To put it nicely, they don’t always act appropriately.

To Corky the French Bulldog, a human is somebody to jump on and lick, regardless of whether he’s sporting a tool belt, carrying a pizza box, or wearing a ski mask. Anyone who comes to the door is fair game. 

During our home renovations, it’s been a challenge to keep Corky safe, happy, and out of the contractors’ way.

When the construction crew arrives in the morning, Corky thinks, “Party time!” For me, the start of the work day means it’s time to secure the animals.

Mr. Bobo the Wonder Cat is not a problem. For weeks now, he has been confined during the day to our bedroom, where his food, water, and litter box keep him happy. After all, when…(Read more)

Back to the Kitchen

The economic news is so bad that we might as well wallow in it.  The latest report from the Department of Commerce is as compelling a read as the Tax Code.  It uses expressions like “coefficients of variation” that make me have flashbacks to the algebra class I took in college because a cute guy in the registration line was signing up for it.  It was the beginning of my lifelong fear of numbers and cute guys.

Fortunately, the cleverly titled “Advance Monthly Sales for Retail Trade and Food and Food Services” has pictures that even those of us with Fear of Finance can understand.  

Take the bar chart of the decline in economic indicators, for example.  All the bars are below the line, making the chart look like a cross-section of the coal mines in West Virginia.  Like the miners, the economy may not see daylight for months, or even…(Read more)

It’s all in who you know

There’s a new man in my life. Juan is handy around the house, he cleans up after himself, and if he inconveniences me, he apologizes. He has spent the last three weeks with me and that is just fine with Keeper. In fact, when he comes home from work, Keeper asks, “What’s new with Juan?”

I met Juan through friends. My friend Zelda heard about him through our former co-worker Chris. Chris is a former police officer, former government administrator, and current real estate expert, and if he passed Chris’ muster, Zelda knew Juan was someone she needed to know. Juan spent a month with Zelda, and then she passed him along to me.

Every morning I leap out of bed, hit the shower, and get dressed before 8:30, the hour when Juan is to arrive. I am breathless with anticipation. What will Juan do today to make my life better?

Two weeks…(Read more)

Greasing the Wheels

Sometimes I think if another stranger says to me, “Have a nice day!” I’ll have a meltdown. The expression of this wish is so automatic as to be meaningless. And so is the required response: “You, too!” This exchange marks the end of every casual conversation, every retail transaction, virtually every encounter with another human being. Here’s an example:

“Ma’am, I clocked you going 17 miles over the speed limit.”

“Aren’t there some drug dealers you should be arresting, officer?”

“Here’s your ticket, Ma’am. Have a nice day.”

“You, too.”

Just because the phrase is ubiquitous and rolls off the tongue without thinking doesn’t mean that people DON’T want me to have a good day. It’s just that a “one size fits all” phrase is so impersonal.

Maybe being impersonal is the point. After all, it is almost impossible to have a meaningful conversation with the cashier at the drugstore. Saying something pleasant and benign keeps…(Read more)

What Now?

OK, people. We did it. We elected a president with a first-class intellect, a record of working for the little guy, and the temperament to face crises with the mature judgement that has been sadly lacking in Washington in recent years. As a bonus, he happens to be African-American, and it’s about time that barrier fell.

As we watched Wolf Blitzer declare Barack Obama the President-Elect, Keeper and I sat in silence, as did the CNN panelists who just moments before had been conducting a giddy gabfest.

It was only a few seconds before Keeper began to crow, “I told you so!” and the pundits began speculating about what the Obama presidency will look like.

But in that few moments of stunned silence, I began to cry. I cried for my country, for the mess it has become. I cried for my fellow Americans, people of color, who never thought they’d see this…(Read more)