A Celebration of Cellulose

As a person entrusted to provide your weekly humor quotient, I must say it has been difficult lately. Everywhere you turn there is bad news and worse news. It seems my grandfather was right — the world IS going to hell in a handbasket. 

All the more reason to find something to celebrate. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present for your partying pleasure…National Forest Products Week! (Work with me here. The other choice was “Evaluate Your Life Day” and now doesn’t seem like the best time to do that.)

Besides, we all love forests and forest products. Can you name some forest products, boys and girls? Wood? Paper? Very good. But did you know there are THOUSANDS of items we get from trees, according to the Idaho Forest Products Commission? On their web site (idahoforest.org) they list SOME of them–just enough to form a picture of a tree. (Awww.)

The list has some stunners on it. Did you know we get Christmas trees from trees? And that trees are a major supplier of–are you ready for this–SHADE?

Going through the list, I was struck by the enormity of our debt to the tree. Without trees, you might not have a toilet seat. And, of course, no toilet paper, not even the Sears catalog. And what would you read while in the bathroom? And don’t say your Amazon Kindle, because that came packaged in a cardboard box, now didn’t it?

While you’re in the loo, take a good look around. Without forests, you wouldn’t have walls or windows. The same material that provides the privacy you so appreciate also is used to make your toothbrush and toothpaste. That cologne you splash on and the disinfectant you spray on your forest-provided toilet seat are also courtesy of our shade-producing friends.

Let’s continue our celebration of cellulose in the kitchen. Open those wooden cabinets and notice the abundance of wood you feed your family every day. The list of food products containing wood pulping byproducts is endless: baby food, cereals, pet food, baked goods and yes, even our beloved imitation bacon.

As thorough and as educational as the Idaho Forests site is, I must take issue with their accounting. They claim there are THOUSANDS of products that come from forests. But they count not just wood, paper and resin, but each and every product made from wood, paper. or resin. Thus we have newspaper, phone books, posters, signs and price tags all as separate items. If we’re going to do that, let’s get down to the knitty gritty. Paper provides us with the San Francisco phone book, the Little Rock phone book, the Brooklyn phone book, the …oh, forget it. I’m bored now.

Here’s the point. We get a lot of great stuff from trees. But maybe if we cut back on the stuff we get from cutting down those trees, we might preserve a lot more of what they provide when we leave them alone: unsurpassed beauty and a haven for wildlife. Not to mention, oxygen.

Now go hug a tree.