What’s New, Pussycat?

Last Tuesday, I woke up coughing. “Are you OK?” called Keeper from the bathroom.

“Just coughing up a hairball,” I answered. Hack, hack.

It was 6 a.m. and Mr. Bobo the Wonder Cat had just licked himself clean on my pillow. Normally, I am not particularly sensitive to cat dander. Encountering a perfume sample in a magazine can send my lungs into a near-fatal spasm, but I don’t mind pet hair.

That morning, however, Mr. Bobo’s ablutions sent me running to the kitchen for a dose of Claritin. As I was waiting for my eyes to stop watering, I wondered if this was a one-time thing or if my pets would forever after cause me to cough up a lung every time I got near them.

How do people cope with pet allergies? Some simply deprive themselves of the pleasure of owning something furry and affectionate. Some opt for hypoallergenic dogs or freaky-looking hairless cats. Some, I’m sure, just drug themselves up so that they (or their children) can share their homes with furry companions.

But now, my friends, there is a solution for the unfortunate souls among us who have been robbed of one of life’s greatest pleasures: the opportunity to be loved unconditionally, as long as you put the chow out on time.

I came across this new breed of animal in a pet shop. I was shopping for dog toys (I no longer shop for cat toys, because they inevitably become dog toys, anyway) when I saw a darling Chihuahua asleep in a pen lined with shredded newspaper. I leaned over the pen and clicked my tongue at him.  He slept on. I went to the other side of the pen and snapped my fingers. He didn’t respond.

“Oh my God,” I thought. “He isn’t dead, is he? Surely somebody would have noticed.” I looked closer. He was breathing.

Then I noticed a tag on the pen. “Perfect Petzzz” it said. “Made with 100% synthetic fur!”

But it’s BREATHING, I thought, thoroughly creeped out.

I took another peek at the tag. “D battery included,” it said. I shuddered and walked out of the store.

I didn’t give the faux pooches another thought until the morning my lungs reacted violently to cat hair.

Wondering if they sold Perfect Pussycats, I logged on to perfectpetzz.com. There was a miniature replica of Mr. Bobo for $39.95 plus tax. Included in the price were: Gray Tabby cat, collar with pet tag, pet bed, brush, adoption certificate, pet carrier, and one “D” alkaline battery.

I read the description of my prospective adoptee: “The Gray Tabby is affectionate, dedicated and loyal. They are playful companions that long for affection from their owners. They have calm temperaments that make them easy-going and desirable pets.”

Well, sure. There’s no calmer pet than one that’s been stuffed with 100% polyester fiberfill. If I had wanted one, I would have been out of luck. There on the web site, where the “Add to Cart” button should have been, were the words “Litters coming soon!”

Yet another difference between PerfectPetzzz and Real Pets: at the animal shelter, cats are never on backorder.