Make a List and Tear It Up

Kids today. They’re so sure of what they want, even when it comes to finding a mate. The young people I know keep a list of characteristics that they are looking for in a significant other. The lists include categories like “must haves,” “bonus points,” and “deal breakers.”

“Must haves” might include things like a job, a sense of humor, and tight abs. “Bonus points” might be given for owning a house, having an advanced degree, or playing the alto sax. Nearly everyone has a list of “deal breakers” such as bad credit, restraining order, or black leather furniture.

Dating with a checklist is doomed to failure.

If I had made a list and stuck to it, I never would have found the love of my life, because my list would have included “no polyester knit bell bottoms, rusty car, or tendency to snore.” I married a man with all three and have been happy for nearly 20 years and counting.

My friend Brenda has me beat. She found her Keeper on the first try, and all she had to do to interest him was lie to his face.

It was 1967. Brenda was feeling like an old maid. She was all of 22, but back then the average age for a woman entering her first marriage was 20.6, according to the Census Bureau and Brenda’s mother.

Brenda took the bull by the horns. She joined a group of young Jewish singles and met a guy named Erwin. He asked her to a Monte Carlo night that the singles group was organizing. Poor Erwin, he was unclear on the concept that you don’t bring a date to a singles event. As it turned out, his buddy Don was there and he introduced him to Brenda. From the get-go, Brenda was a Smitten Kitten. During their short conversation, Don mentioned that he was taking bridge lessons. In a desire to make a memorable impression, Brenda blurted out, “How great! I teach bridge lessons myself!” The seed was planted.

Soon her date, the hapless Erwin, led her off to the roulette table, where Brenda half-heartedly placed bets and secretly plotted how she would see Don again.

The next day, she called the Jewish Community Center. Sure enough, they had a bridge class. She took down the information and showed up at the next class, and there was her dream man, concentrating on the cards in his hand. The class was already in session, but the teacher came over to Brenda as she stood tentatively in the doorway. “We’re going to take a break after this hand. Usually someone will leave and a chair will open up. Please stay.”

Stay she did, and which chair happened to open up? The one directly opposite Don, who looked up, grinned, and said, “What are YOU doing here?”

Brenda, caught in a bold-faced lie, smiled serenely at Don and said, “Let’s see, are aces high or low?”

Six months later, they were married. It has lasted 40 years so far.

If you ask Brenda what it was about Don that attracted her, she’ll tell you, “I just knew he was the one.”

The same is true about when I met Keeper. I met him quite by chance and recognized him as my future husband. Of course, I didn’t tell him that until years later.

So, go ahead and make your lists, people. Just be prepared to tear them up. When you meet the right one, you’ll know, even if they don’t sound perfect on paper.