How to Talk to Women

Who talks more, men or women? Silly question, right? With the exception of John Madden, the sports commentator who inspired the invention of the “mute” button, the average man speaks 2,000 words per day, while the average woman verbalizes 7,000 words a day. Some of these are to her cat, but a large number of them are to her husband, who has used up his allotment at the office and answers her with grunts.

Keeper would say that men are just more verbally efficient. I would call them verbally constipated, but that’s just my opinion, based on being in a household of men for the last 33 years. My laconic husband would say that the following conversation between two men is sufficient for greeting purposes:

Fred: “How about them Giants?”
Harry: “Yeah, really.”

According to Keeper, this exchange conveys all the information Fred and Harry need to know about each other’s current state of mind.

This may work for Fred and Harry, but it is in no way enough for their wives. Men are now paying attention to the quality of their verbal communicaiton, as the result of popular theories that better communication can get them what they want. If you have to ask, that means more action in the bedroom.

In the current issue of BestLife Magazine, the article “The Secret Language of Sex” offers a few suggestions for men, based on what women want to hear. I think it misses the mark on a few points.

On the theory that women would prefer to hear the details rather than a grunted “fine” in answer to their query, “How did your day go?” the article suggests a man say something like, “Let me tell you how my presentation went.”

Men, we don’t really need a slide-by slide re-enactment of your presentation. We’re much more interested in your boss’s reaction, who’s dating whom in the office, and what you signed up to take for the pitch-in lunch.

“I adore your freckles” is a comment that is supposed to make women feel beautiful. Women like to be noticed for something that makes them unique, says the article. Just be sure that the attribute you choose to admire is something she’s proud of. “I love the way your thighs jiggle” is not going to put her in the mood, and neither is, “I love your little mustache.”

I had to laugh at one suggestion-telling her “I’ve been fantasizing about making you feel good.” There are very few men could pull this off. Guys, we know what you fantasize about. In Keeper’s case, it’s a three-mile run and a good steak, but most guys’ fantasies are about women such as the half-clad beauties whose images illustrate this informative article. And it’s not their freckles you’re thinking about.

The biggest chuckle of all is the suggestion that women will be turned on by the phrase “I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry.” A 2003 study showed that men who performed the most domestic chores were more attractive to their partners. This is undoubtedly true. But, guys? What really turns us on is that you do the laundry. If you try to use the fact to seduce it, you ruin it for us.