What’s in a Name?

How do we humans name our offspring? The easiest and most common method is to name them after ourselves. If our name is a good one, our baby boy may become a II or III. It works for girls, too, although without the fancy numeral. For example, I was named after my father. His name is Christian; my middle name is Christine. My first name is Mary because I was born in a Catholic hospital and Mom wanted to ensure that I’d be a crowd-pleaser from Day One.

I didn’t have a daughter to pass the name along to, so my sister named her only female child Mary Christine. She used to be Little Mary until she passed the 6’ mark.  The name was a bit old-fashioned for my niece’s taste, however, and when she was a teenager, she rebelled by spiking her hair, wearing black eye shadow, and signing her name “mari” with a circle over the “i.”

In the not-so-distant past, people were giving their female children names that were gender-neutral, meaning that the name wouldn’t give them away as being a girl. “Madison” is one of the most popular names that’s supposedly gender-neutral, although every Madison I’ve ever met has been a girl.

Now, the pendulum is swinging back toward girly names. According to the Social Security Administration, the top five names for newborn girls are Emily, Isabella, Emma, Ava, and the afore-mentioned Madison, who refuses to let go.

For boys, the fashion is decidedly Biblical. The top five are: Jacob, Michael, Ethan, Joshua, and Daniel (he of the lion’s den).

A few parents pick out the names of their children before they are even conceived. I waited until I was pregnant. This was back in the day when the sex of the baby was a surprise, so my sons Jason and Tom had the prenatal names Emily and Melissa.

For some, the naming process is scientific. Relatives are consulted, polls are taken, and books are checked to unearth any hidden meaning of names that would inadvertently put a curse on their little bundles of joy. By the way, it’s critical to consider what the initials spell, as Ashley Suzanne Smith will tell you.

Sometimes the chosen name is a loser, and little Percival or Seneca has to endure playground beatings ad infinitum.

Often, the name just never seems to fit. I suggest new parents do what new dog owners do: live with the critter for a few days and pick a name based on looks and personality.

In the world of dog-naming, human names continue to dominate, according to a company that sells engraved dog tags. The top five male names are Max, Jake, Buddy, Bear, and Bailey. For females, dog owners prefer Maggie, Bear (the gender neutral name of the dog world), Molly, Shadow, and Lady.

With dogs, you can play it straight, or play it for laughs. After all, the dog won’t care. You can name your 6-pound Chihuahua “Killer” and your 170-pound Mastiff “Tiny” if you choose. If you don’t appreciate irony, you can name your dog for his personality. Consider “Chewbacca” for a furniture gnawer, “Snugglepuss” for a lap dog, or “Psycho” for a dog that runs laps around the house when the doorbell rings.

If new parents waited until they saw their children before they picked a name, there would be fewer Thurstons in this world. No newborn looks like a Thurston. Or a Schuyler. Or a Savannah. They all look like a Bitsy or a Pinky or a Chunky.

If you decide to use the “wait and see” method of child-naming, you must be cautious. Your wrinkled, screaming little fist-waver may look like a Raisin, but you might want to choose a name that she won’t outgrow so quickly. Like “Lady.”