Our Darling Daughter

Listen, I know that Corky is not human. She’s a French Bulldog, not a child.

Still, Keeper and I have enormous fun pretending that she is our daughter. Call me a whacko, I don’t care.

He loves to tell the story of her birth. No, not the actual event where she was delivered by C-section to a purebred mother owned by a Florida breeder. Keeper’s version, which gets more ridiculous with every telling, features a nurse coming out to the hospital waiting room, where he has been nervously pacing, and showing him what’s in the pink bundle in her arms.

As he tells the story, he acts it out. “Arrrgghh! It’s Rosemary’s Baby! That’s not my daughter, that’s the devil’s spawn!” He describes her bat ears, her smooshed face, her big googly eyes…(Read more)

Surprising Facts

Research is serious business. A lot of brain power–not to mention money–goes into studying questions of vital interest to our daily lives.

In the spirit of scientific discovery, I have unearthed for you these findings of crucial relevance, and offer you my own interpretation of the newly revealed facts.

Fact: While men generally eat fewer fruits and vegetables than women do, males eat significantly more asparagus than females, according to a recent study by the Oregon Department of Human Services.

Why? Two words: asparagus urine. Marcel Proust once said that eating the steamed spears “transforms my chamber-pot into a flask of perfume.” Men are infinitely more amused by this than women.

Fact: There is no solid evidence that the $5.6 billion annual cost of airport screening is effective in preventing terrorist incidents, according to the Harvard School of Public Health.

Why? When you ask a terrorist if he packed his bags himself, is he going…(Read more)

Next Time, I’ll Start Locally

The last time a shopping experience made me scream with frustration was when I tried to find a parking spot at Stanford Shopping Center the day after Thanksgiving.

This time, I was on the phone, trying to get someone to install our new TV.

Keeper Husband and I have gone High Def. My Mom called last week to tell me that they got a new flat screen TV to replace their 15-year-old Zenith, and they were thrilled with the clarity. Well, there was no way I was going to let my parents out-tech me, so I promptly ordered a new 40-inch LCD TV and picked it up at our local big-box store.

We maneuvered the thing into the house and unboxed it. I felt very smug. I had done my research and had measured the armoire to make sure this model would fit. As Keeper held the flashlight, I studied the…(Read more)

Travel Can Be Passive or Personal

Before she left for Bosnia, my friend Zelda checked the warnings from the State Department. The official website included an admonition to stay on well-traveled roads to avoid a possible encounter with an unexploded land mine. “Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you,” our government cautioned.

I did more than caution her. I believe my exact words were, “Bosnia? Are you freaking kidding me?”

Zelda calls Redwood City home base but sometimes she’s only home long enough to re-pack her suitcase. As I wrote in a previous column, Zelda retired from her job on a Friday and the next Monday, she was on a plane to China to teach business to university students.

I thought of Zelda on Saturday, while listening to a speech given by Cynthia Reed, a travel pro who encourages Americans to go to exotic places. Her…(Read more)

I’m Sticking to Reading

It’s hot and it’s sticky. I mean that literally. We’re sticking to our leather furniture. It doesn’t happen that often in the Bay Area, which is why nobody has air-conditioning. You don’t need it. Unless, of course, it’s 90 degrees.

On Wednesday, we ate dinner on the deck, catching a tepid breeze while fending off flies. Then we went inside and poured ourselves onto the afore-mentioned leather sofa and recliner.

Halfway through American Idol, I peeled myself off the couch (again, literally) and declared “Let’s go to the movies.”

“What?” Keeper Husband gasped in disbelief. “We’re just about to find out who is on their way to superstardom.”

“We know it’ll be somebody named David. I don’t really care. It’s too hot.” I said.

Keeper suggested a compromise. If I let him watch this episode of the reality show that he schedules his life around, he would take me to the movies the next…(Read more)

Money and Happiness

If you had enough money, could you buy happiness? If you had LESS money, would you be less happy? Are money and happiness even related?

The old adage “money can’t buy happiness” is usually spouted by people who can never hope to make the big bucks and are cheering themselves up. Or sometimes, by disillusioned rich people for whom no amount of money is ever enough.

Here’s my take: once you can cover your basic needs of housing, food and iTunes downloads, the amount you have left over is irrelevant to how content you feel.

Two years ago, I was making more than $100,000 a year. I was miserable.

Then I read a news story about a guy who died at his desk while proofreading medical textbooks and nobody noticed for five days. OK, so this story has been outed as an urban legend, but it is still making the rounds…(Read more)

Once Again, a Brand New Me

It may not surprise you to learn that I was a nerd in high school. While my classmates were drinking beer and swimming at the abandoned quarry outside of town, I was in summer school studying solid geometry, because when it came to Euclidean theorems, two dimensions were just not enough for me.

Stimulus-Response

Have you received your stimulus package yet? You know, the $300-600 check that the government is offering to taxpayers in the belief that we will go out and stimulate the heck out of the economy. They hope we’ll forget about the ginormous debt that our lawmakers are running up for our grandchildren to deal with.

The Gallup people wanted to know if the checks were indeed in the mail after the government announced it was sending them out early. Gallup started telephoning people on Sunday night, April 27, before any checks had been sent or automatic deposits made. In spite of this, three percent of those polled said they had already received the stimulus package. By Wednesday night, April 30, when deposits should have started actually showing up, the percent saying they had received it was…three percent.

This tells me two things. First, the Sunday night respondents thought the question was, “Have…(Read more)

Just Shoot Me Now

McDonald’s is not my usual 6 a.m. haunt. Most days. I’m getting my two good hours of sleep after Keeper has walked and caged Corky and left for work. The brief period every morning when I have the bed to myself, without my twitchy-limbed husband and my snoring, farting French Bulldog, is a wonderful thing.

One morning this week, however, I abandoned my bed and went in search of sustenance. I had a full day of work ahead of me, and there was nothing in the house for breakfast – no cereal, no bread, no eggs. Nothing but a bag of dried lentils, a can of onion soup, and a freaky many-armed thing that used to be a potato.

I showered quickly, grabbed a magazine, and drove to my local McDonald’s, where I could load up on carbs and caffeine for less than five bucks.

Settling into my booth with my McMuffin and…(Read more)